Just a few thoughts

Just a few thoughts

Sex is like food...

by Harold Botts on 08/25/21

In marriage, sex is like food.  It's a basic need vital for survival and it should be healthy, enjoyable and frequent.  If it's not enjoyable, it will feel like a chore.  If it's not frequent, you'll feel starved.  If it's not healthy, it can cause harm.  Make sure your sex life has all 3.

--the Naked Marriage Podcast

A good apology is more than saying "I'm sorry."

by Harold Botts on 08/12/21

The Art of a Good Apology includes three steps:

1.    Say "I am sorry". Acknowledge the other person's feelings and express (yes say it, out loud) that you are sorry for the pain the person is experiencing. Here you can ask the other person what in particular caused the pain or injury. Saying I am sorry does not make you guilty already but expresses empathy and care for what the other person is feeling in the moment regardless of who or what caused it. People are different. Because something wouldn't affect you doesn't mean it cannot/might not affect other people.

Part 1: "I am sorry that you felt ignored and invisible during the party." Be as specific as possible.

2.    Admit your fault, take responsibility for your actions. If you or your behavior was the cause of the injury, say it again, yes out loud. "It is my fault." This is usually a good moment to ask how your actions or behavior affected them. Ah, do not question if it makes sense or not. Remember that feelings do not have to make sense, they just are. If possible repeat back what you heard to make sure you understood. In this moment it is crucial that you put your defenses down and just open your heart to hear the actual injury.

Part 2: "It is my fault. I was gone with my friends and boss most of the time and didn't consider that you didn't know most people.

3.    Ask what you can do to make things better. Aha... don't think that because you said "I am sorry" things are over. Instead of rushing and offering what you think the solution would be or stopping at step 2, ask the person you offended what you can do to regain his or her trust. Most people have a clear idea of what you can do to repair the relationship. By asking them you have a much better chance of not making a mistake again. 

Part 3: “What would you need from me to make things between us better?” or “What do you want me to do the next time we go to a party like that?”

Follow these easy steps and watch your relationships improve. Like any other skill it requires practice. If you find these steps difficult to follow, look into yourself and try to find out why it is so. Sometimes it is our dark spots and/or low self-esteem that hold us back from offering a good apology.